


Times I've wasted

by totally_not_eating_Doritos



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Death, Talk of Suicide, i had an idea, may not be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-12 02:52:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11727993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totally_not_eating_Doritos/pseuds/totally_not_eating_Doritos
Summary: It had been a year and Castiel could not take it.A year since Dean had last prayed to him.A year since Dean had told him he loved him.A year since Dean's heart beat and was warm to the touch.A year since Cas had any purpose for life and a will to care.





	Times I've wasted

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first fanfic so be gentle if you're not comfortable with suicide please be aware that this does contain descriptions of it.  
> I don't own Supernatural or the characters unfortunately but ah I can dream.

It had been a year and Castiel could not take it.  
A year since Dean had last prayed to him.  
A year since Dean had told him he loved him.  
A year since Dean's heart beat and was warm to the touch.  
A year since Cas had any purpose for life and a will to care.

Ever since Cas found out that Dean was no more, he spent his time wandering aimlessly. Just looking for anything that would give him feeling. Even pain is something he treasured, he would purposely get into fights and become some what careless on hunts just to feel something. Yet the relief from the numbness never lasted.  
This is why he stood in front of the headstone of the last and only lover. Dean wanted a hunter's funeral and like in life, Cas gave him what he wanted. Though he refused to let nothing remain of his love so he stood by the grave stone hoping if he stared long enough, history will rewrite itself.  
Cas often sat by the stone and tried to think of all the good moments from the random small smiles reserved for him or how Dean remembered how his coffee went. But all he could think of was the last prayer dean sent to him, a bitter sweet memory.  
He was driving to meet the boys for a hunt when he received the prayer, he had to pull over to concentrate on the words of his friend, his grace singing as he heard Dean's voice  
"Cas you got your ears on? I know that there are better ways to do this but we have to head out before you get here and deal with the monsters so I'm uh just gonna come out and say it...I er love you Cas yeah I love you Cas and I know you're an angel with no concept of human emotions but I can't help the way I feel for you man. S...So if I survive this hunt I thought maybe you and I could go for a drive...I've gotta go but see you see you soon love you."  
The final notes of Dean's voice left Castiel's brain, he broke down, he knew what he felt for Dean was beyond friendship but we wasn't a foolish man believing his affections for the hunter would be returned.  
when he pulled himself together he raced to where Dean and Sam were heading, as he drove he created a full proof plan. As soon as Sam and Dean were out of trouble he would kiss Dean senseless and prove he knew emotions when it came to Dean.  
But things aren't perfect.  
when he reached Dean, he was bleeding with a dead Sam nearby, he placed his hand on Dean's wounds "Dean no please no!" he yelled as he tried to save him with his grace but failing.  
Dean placed his hand over Cas's "Don't, it's alright at least I get to see you before I go" Cas let out sob as tears made their way down his face "I love you to dean don't doubt it"  
Dean let out a painful laugh "never did Cas"  
Cas felt Dean's chest go still and his emerald eyes grow cold, he mustered enough strength to pull both boys into his car. He drove in quiet mourning still trying to deny the loss. the nearest forest is where he built piers and said goodbye to the boys in hunters tradition. The famous Impala became his new home, something so he could still feel connected to the boys.  
This did nothing to stop the numbness that flowed through his veins turning his heart cold.  
A flutter of wings drew Cas out of his thoughts and he knew who it was, he always knew he would see him again when the end came. The voice gentle and soft whispered "Please Cas don't throw away your life"  
Cas let out a humourless laugh "my life was torn away from me a year ago" the blade that descended from his coat shined against the bleak sky, he moved the blade to his heart and looked over to Gabriel "don't worry Gabe I'll be with him"  
he gently pushed the blade until it pierced his heart.  
As the knife pierced his skin, Cas bolted upright with a start, a cold sweat cloaked his body causing a shiver. He looked to the left of him seeing Dean's sleeping form and smiled.  
Dean shifted and rolled over to face Cas "whats wrong Cas?" Cas gently shook his head "just a bad dream, nothing important" Dean shrugged pulling Cas closer "if you're sure"  
He nodded and laid back down tucking his head into the crook of Dean's neck, the date briefly crossing his mind.  
It had been a year and Cas couldn't be happier.  
A year since Cas arrived just in time.  
A year since Dean's first spoken declaration of love to him.  
A year since Cas first held Dean close and felt the warmth.  
A year since Cas served his purpose in life and admitted his love.  
A year since Cas and Dean came together as two parts of a soul.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm always happy for constructive criticism so don't be afraid, this is my first fic so every little helps.  
> I'm open to prompts for ships.


End file.
